The best years of my life were not high school, my first copulation was not memorable, and I do not give a rats ass what my credit score is. I don't have a retirement plan, health insurance, or a doctor's appointment nor do I care to acquire such things. I see no religion in church, security in marraige, objectivity in science, or representation in government. There are no liberals liberating anyone nor conservatives conserving anything as far a I can tell.

Also conspicuously absent are neighbors in "neighborhoods". The American Dream is a tomb with an attached garage. How did these dark, lifeless car caves get moved to the front of our houses while our charming, chat inducing front porches got moved to the back? This is the work of ghouls and vampires, not humans. We should be burying our dead in these structures, not living in them. The house I'm staying in now doesn't even have front windows. Well, it has them, but they've been shrunken to neck-high, rectangular slits that run across the top of each wall, impractical and reluctant tokens of acknowledgement to the natural beauty that flourishes outside. In fact they stretch around the perimeter of the house as if we were in a german bunker waiting for the allied forces to spring from the homes around us. It looks incomplete without gatlin guns and razor wire mounted to the sills and crumpled centerfolds of movie starlets in suggestive poses thumb tacked to the walls. What paranoid delusions inspired such a design, and in such a quiet, little town where, prior to the construction of this house, there had been only one murder since the town's settling?

But I digress. I know this sounds terribly cliché, but I am sincerely troubled by how far removed I feel from such a wide variety of popular and iconic American values, memes, and mental constructs. I don’t like baseball or apple pie. I find homeownership unappealing for a list of reasons too numerous to explain, though I've touched on one above. The idea of settling into a 45 year, nine to five career path under the employ and constant surveillance of others sounds like the aspirations of self-loathing retards. Although I understand that having 2.5 children (the national average) is better than having just one who would have no siblings to keep him/her entertained, it seems to me that a more idyllic number of bank draining replicants would be zero.

I don’t even care for the color combination used for Old Glory. Red and blue don’t go well together in clothing or décor, especially not when emphasized with intermittent white, so why are these colors garishly cohabiting our nation’s flag?  To make matters worse, our flag’s version of these colors are too much like primary red and blue, which are used almost exclusively for toddler toys, and, although sadly appropriate for a nation of emotionally stunted dolts, still too harsh to be waving above every government facility and jutting out like a heil Hitler salute from the front of neatly manicured tombs.

I do display a few of the trappings of red-blooded, modern Americana, but don’t let my Jeep and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer fool you. These are merely souvenirs I’m gathering before I return to my home planet, Zarkron, in the 5^th dimension above the Andromeda galaxy.